I have some things I would finally like to say to you.
It has been a while since we have talked. I guess it’s because (for one of many reasons), we’ve needed this time to come full circle. You know the circle I speak of… two people meet, join together, develop a friendship, develop a bond, become lovers, fall in love, fall into disillusion, fall apart…break apart. It is quite an emotional ride. Anyone that says it is easy to pick up the pieces after is lying…especially to themselves.
I know I am a hypocrite. I know that I preach about the importance of words but when push comes to shove, I shove them down. I’ve learned my lesson so let me use my words now to be clear, although you won’t hear them. Let me try to help you understand now, although you won’t.
I refuse to use my words to guilt you, to cause you pain, to make you question yourself, to hurt you, to belittle you or make you feel anything less than valued. If I start to open my mouth and I feel that a word like this might slip out, I shut it. I refuse to have you feel badly or have you feel badly for me. If I start to feel a tear develop or my chest get heavy as a result of something you have said or done, or did not do but I wished you had, I change the subject or look away. I will not cry, I will not yell. You don’t deserve to feel badly by my hand just like I don’t deserve to feel badly by yours.
So all of those times that you asked me what was wrong, or I went quiet and it upset you….one of these reasons applies. To explain to you how I felt would have been to admit that I was hurt by one of your actions or inactions which would have caused you to want to defend yourself. I don’t want you to ever feel you have to defend yourself. I want you to always feel free to be exactly who you are. The person I fell in love with through all of the ups and downs. The person I fell in love with at his lowest point. The person I refused to judge even when judgement would have been justified. That person was real. That person was honest and vulnerable and respectful. That is the person I hoped you would always be.
So you see, in the quiet times I wasn’t trying to tear us apart…I was trying to keep us together in the only way I knew and know how. I was trying my best. I failed horribly, but my intentions weren’t malicious. Your response, however was. You purposely used your words to cause me pain, to make me feel small, unloved, and guilty. It worked. But I cannot accept this. This isn’t the reason why I walked away, but it is the reason I didn’t come back. I know you don’t understand that, but one day you will. One day.
So in this time that it has taken for us to come full circle, I have tried to pick up the pieces of a heart that used to love you so purely. A heart that still crushes my chest so badly on days spent missing you, that it hurts to breathe. A heart that so badly just wanted to be held in your gentle hands forever. A heart that would have given anything not to have been abused. You dropped it, but I picked it up. I will take care of it now. And now that your words have stopped breaking it, it has a chance to heal.
And even though I hurt and I heal, I still believe that some things were real and I try to make sense of the fallout. Of the person that doesn’t jive with who I knew. So what I say doesn’t always make sense to others or to myself. Some people might think that I’m crazy for feeling this way after picking me up fall after fall the past two years, and I question my reasoning too, but it must be said because it is my turn to be vulnerable regardless of the consequences.
I still maintain that if tomorrow I had the chance to relive that night with you, cross-legged in the rain, under the biggest tree in the park…I would. If we could start all over again on that boardwalk at sunset, I would. If we could climb that mountain, hike that trail, canoe that lake or take that road-trip again…I would. If only we could be silent. If I could lay with my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat, run my hands through your hair to put you to sleep or stare into that vulnerable speck in your eye again, I would. Silently, so words couldn’t break the moment.
So, here we are at the peak of communication breakdown where words have failed us and are no longer spoken or written. Where it has all fallen apart and we are now strangers. Here I am, still missing you to death and we are both to blame. You for too many words, and I for not enough. Shame on us.
But I still have my memories. And when they start to fade away, so will my love. But for now, when I miss you I am going to close my eyes and breathe and remember that even though you are far away, and you are not here…you are not gone because….. I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart. (e.e. cummings).