I realized today that I have been neglecting my writing. I’ve been enjoying myself :) I’ve been taking some time to step outside of my head and just not ‘go there’. Every once in a while I have to do this. Every once in a while I have to step back and lose myself for a bit. When I find I need to release something, I come back here. Writing is how I release my thoughts when I can’t seem to use my words. I love it, I need it, and I’m back….for now.
I’m writing today because for the past week I have been watching…I like to watch. This week I watched my own thoughts, my feelings, other people’s words, their energies, interactions, struggles, challenges, and their tears…most of all their tears. The magnetism interests me. I find it doesn’t matter what frame of mind I am in, I appear to draw people with similar circumstances. It’s a mirror, a wake up call, and at times a comfort to know that you aren’t alone. I don’t seek it, it just happens. It makes me sad to see my friends in pain and I hold onto it…I want to fix it…I want to feel it instead of them. I don’t want to see their tears and feel their broken hearts. My friends are deeply a part of who I am today. I am in awe every day for the people I have met the past few years. I wouldn’t be fully who I am without them. They are in my heart. My ADD has kicked in.
As I watched, it became apparent that the biggest struggle this week is communication in relationships. There are so many different ways that we communicate or do not communicate that are not well received. I’ve become better the past few years, but I struggle. I have a really hard time using my words. I feel things with such intensity and I play out how I will say them in my head, but when it comes time to say it, I shut down. I promised myself this would be the year that I say what I have to say without hesitation, and it isn’t going well. One of my strongest beliefs is in the power of words and that is why I chose them very carefully, and probably why I would rather listen than speak. I don’t want to say the wrong thing. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be hurt. That’s playing safe isn’t it? I’m not so sure.
Moving on. I heard a lot of words. Lonely marriages (lack of words), emotionally abusive marriages (hateful words), someone waiting on a call that would let them know if their relationship could be repaired (waiting on words) …if he could move forward or if he would end things. I heard hesitation in starting a new relationship because the words didn’t match the actions (just words) and the trust hadn’t been built. I heard how he doesn’t listen (ignored words), how I can’t do anything right (defeated words), how nothing is ever going to be enough, how sometimes they cry themselves to sleep at night because they don’t know how to make them understand. And I heard the pain in not being able to speak the words that would change everything.
Behind all of this is fear. If we stay in an unsatisfying place too long, it becomes comfortable. We get stuck because to step forward means to communicate that you are not happy. Once you communicate this, things have to change don’t they? So here lies the dilemma. If you bury your words deep inside…things stay the same…if you express them you are looking at probable movement. The fear is whether this movement will be forward together or forward alone. But I will say this because I’m great at giving advice I am too afraid or unwilling to take. I say this to you, my friends, and to myself because I will need this one day.
I don’t want to see you unhappy, stuck in a situation that hurts you afraid to express yourself. I don’t want to see you bury those words, give up and dig your heels in the sand because you don’t think anything will change or you are afraid it will change. Yes, something will change. It might be your relationship, or it might just be you. Either way it’s necessary.
My wish for you is that you kick off your shoes, say what you have to say and have it be well received. But, if your words can’t get over that wall… if you have to move forward on your own, that one day when you dry your eyes and your heart heals…you will thank yourself for walking out of that place where you felt invisible and helpless. Your voice deserves to be heard. Do not be afraid to speak. Speak loudly, clearly, honestly and with confidence. Don’t stay there…keep moving through. Some of us are receptive. We’re waiting on the other side, and we’re ready to listen.
"The best way out is always through." Robert Frost